Hydrogen Hydroxide or Hydroxic Acid?

"You know when you go to a concert and it's like punk rock and the kids get on stage...and they jump into the crowd, stage diving? People think that's dangerous - but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water, so the audience is 5% away from a pool."

The esteemed, late Hedberg may be a few percentage points off (adult humans are closer to 60% water), this is just one reason why water is one of the most consistently awesome chemicals that exists.

Structure of Water

One of the first chemical formulas many people learn, H₂O is a common name for water. A more fitting chemical formula is HOH. H in this case is an ion of hydrogen, often called hydron, and is a positively charged ion (also called a cation). OH, also called hydroxide, is a negatively charged ion (also called an anion). Unfortunately there are no dogions (I can't guarantee there won't be other bad chemistry jokes later).

This combination of a cation and an anion results in a polarized molecule (the oxygen ends up negatively charged, the hydrogen ends become positively charged). This relatively unique structure is one of the primary reasons for all of water's awesomeness.

So, what is cool about water?

Properties of Water

Water is amphoteric, which means it is both an acid and a base (hence the title of this post). Contrary to what the Simpsons would like you to believe, mixing acids and bases doesn't cause massive explosions that turn you green (unless they're very concentrated...but they still won't turn you green). You'll get a salt and water. The most common chemical formula you'll see for illustrating this concept is the reaction between hydrochloric acid (HCl) and lye (sodium hydroxide - a base, NaOH) to get table salt (sodium chloride - NaCl) and H₂O. I was never good with chemical formulas written out in prose, so here's what it looks like:

NaOH + HCl → NaCl + H₂O

Water can be superheated above its normal boiling point. If distilled water is cooked in a container without deformities or dirt (no scratches and no dust) it can surpass its normal boiling point. It also tends to instantaneously boil when an impurity is added to the water (a spoon, sugar, etc.). This is where the idea of 'explosive water' comes from...although it's not so much exploding as it is simultaneously boiling everywhere.

Water has a high heat of fusion (energy needed to freeze) and high heat of vaporization (energy needed to turn into a gas). This gives it great thermoregulatory properties. This is the reason for warmer temperatures near lakes during winter (the water gives heat to the surrounding air in order to freeze), and why sweat cools the body (the water takes heat from your body in order to evaporate). Any liquid could perform this action, but water does it particularly well due to the large amounts of energy needed to overcome the attraction between individual molecules. This is also why water is a preferred coolant in many engines and industries (it takes a lot of heat to boil water). IUPAC standards require that this paragraph maintain an excitment level of 6.0 ±0.5 exciteograms. How about a picture of Schwarzenegger as Mister Freeze to meet this quota?

Ice floats in water. As it cools from 4°C to 0°C, water expands. When water freezes normally it forms a crystal lattice which has more volume than its watery counterpart (same mass in a larger space). This is why ice cubes (...and icebergs - take that Titanic) float. Another side effect from freezing is that icebergs end up mostly freshwater. Although saltwater has a lower freezing point than freshwater, the formation of ice crystals slowly presses out salt and other impurities in the water.

Water has the highest surface tension of all non-metallic liquids (not including solutions with water as the solvent like saltwater or sugar water). Surface tension is an aspect of all liquids, but the polarity of water increases its surface elasticity. Surface tension is the result of intermolecular forces trying to pull the liquid into the smallest possible volume (if gravity didn't exist this would be a sphere). Since the liquid is as compact as it's going to get (liquids aren't easily compressible), this means things need a certain amount of force to penetrate into the liquid. This is also why water forms spherical droplets when falling and people urinating on electric fences aren't electrocuted.

Pure water doesn't conduct electricity. Unfortunately this property isn't as useful for swimmers as it might seem. If exposed to the atmosphere the water will disolve some of the air (and won't be pure anymore). Thus we have electrocuted swimmers. 

Electrolysis separates water into its consitutent parts - diatomic hydrogen and diatomic oxygen. Running an electric current through water seperates the water into the natural state of its two component elements (hydrogen gas and oxygen gas). Unfortunately this isn't a good way to make hydrogen as a fuel since it takes more electrical energy to create the hydrogen than you'd get from burning it.

Water, like its constituent parts, is transparent, odorless and tasteless. All the crappy tasting water you've ever drank is due to impurities (I don't mind iron so much). It does take on a slight bluish tinge in large quanitites, and this is a minor reason why the sky is blue.

Without even touching hydrology or the biologic processes that rely on water, I believe we have defintively established that water is awesome. Way better than isopropanol and tetrafluoroethylene anyway.

Deutschkurs I

So, you've heard about German compound words but you just assumed they'd be simple like "bathroom" or "airmail" (das Badezimmer and die Luftpost, respectively). Well, Germans like to go longer. While it's relatively easy to surpass the English "antidisestablishmentarianism" in letter count by cheating (in the same way that antidisestablishmentarianism is mainly made out of prefixes and suffixes), German has plenty of long words without resorting to such cunning linguistics.

It's important to note that - like many languages that aren't English - German has noun genders. They're not all that important if you're saying one single German word, but they're included for the crazy people that want to build sentences. The genders are feminine (die), masculine (der), and neuter/neutrum (das). You'll want to get it out of your head right now that linguistic gender in German corresponds to actual gender - it doesn't (the girl - das Mädchen - isn't linguistically female, although some younger Germans may use die Mädchen instead). That'd be too easy.

A few long German words you might actually hear:

Schadenfreude (f) -

[shah-din-froi-duh] enjoyment from the misfortune of others

This is a compound noun from der Schaden (damage/injury/adversity) and die Freude (joy/delight). It popped up in the early 1900s in German literature, and people have been loving and hating it ever since. I hear the New York Times crosswords like to feature it frequently.

Fliegerabwehrkanone (f) -

[flee-gur-ahb-vehr-kah-no-nuh] antiaircraft gun

This one was so long for the Germans that it has an abbreviation, one you're probably more familiar with: FLAK. Coined when military hardware was constructed with the expressed purpose of shooting down enemy airplanes in the 1930s, it's a combination of der Flieger (flying object/airplane), die Abwehr (Defense), and der Kanone (Cannon/Gun). It has a closely related cousin in the Panzerabwehrkanone.

Schwangerschaftsabbruch (m)-

[shvahn-gehr-shahfts-ahb-bruch] (medical) abortion.

Literally meaning "pregnancy severance," the word consists of die Schwangerschaft (pregnancy) from the early 1700s and the much older der Bruch (break-off/severance) from around the mid 1300s - because Germans have been stopping things for longer than they've been getting pregnant. In the Victorian era (from the 1830s) to the Weimar Republic, the preferred idiomatic expression was "to bring a child to heaven". After that they didn't care anymore and it was just too long so they went with Abtreibung.

Fahrvergnügen (n) -

[Far-fver-gnew-gin (not like the drink)] driving pleasure

This word was popular in Volkswagen's 1989 advertising camapign, and confused much of the American populace because no one knew what it meant. You'll be hardpressed to find a German who actually uses it either - it does, strangely, also have a synonym: Fahrspaß [far-shpahs]. From fahren (to drive) and das Vergnügen (pleasure/enjoyment).

Kreislaufzusammenbruch (m)

[Krice-lauf-tsu-zam-min-brooch (long o sound, not the fancy pin)] circulatory failure

Due to the way the German language is structured you'll often get a noun pulling double duty by indicating action. In this case, the noun is often a means to convey 'to pass out'. Er hatte einen Kreislaufzusammenbruch. He passed out. From der Kreislauf (circulation) - which is a compound noun itself from der Kreis (circle), der Lauf (course/way) - and der Zusammenbruch (failure/collapse). It should be noted that Germans are very concerned about their circulation. In the world of modern medicine, purported circulation problems are one of the leading reasons for Germans' hospital visits. This word, too, has a synonym: der Kreislaufkollaps.

...That's right, I said cunning linguistics.

"Quotes in Quotes in Quotes..."

"...add another quote and make it a gallon."

--Groucho Marx (in Animal Crackers)

20th century American comedian

There is a quote for almost everything under the sun. In fact, there's probably a quote about making quotes under the sun. So, I figured I'd break out a collection of exciting quotes I have accidentally remembered throughout my random accretion of information (...but looked up for proper wording).

The theme is randomness, in case you were wondering.

"Hunger is the best pickle."
--Benjamin Franklin,
18th century American statesman

This is a strange and rare quote from Benjamin Franklin. Pickles were one of the most common appetizers in America during later 1700s. This quote essentially says "If you don't eat anything you'll be hungrier." An outspoken proponent of moderation and a well-honed lifestyle (not so much a practitioner), Franklin doesn't want you to fill up on pickles before your next big meal. I would be remiss if I didn't link you to what some other crazy people say the meaning of the quote is (the meaning of pickle as 'a difficult situation' has been around longer than pickle as a food (although pickle as a sauce is oldest of all)). You'd be surprised how often this shows up on cooking websites talking about pickles...little do they know they are promoting abstinence from pickles.

"The first casualty of war is truth."
--Aeschylus,
Greek playwright

Americans tend to see this in every war - the curbing of civil liberties during wartime. The latest pair of conflicts are two of the latest casualties, but many past wars have seen a restriction on the freedom of press and speech (and occasionally assembly). Unfortunately Iraq and Afghanistan may end up being a bit more of a special case, considering the perpetual nature of discontent (and subsequently, terrorism). Aeschylus just tells us it's not a unique American phenomenon, and that leaders just don't like to tell the populace everything is going to hell.

"...going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless, noisy baggage behind."
--Jed Babbin,
onetime US Deputy Undersecretary of Defense

He may be a Republican who believes in a liberal-driven media, but at least he's got some good French comedy. Although, France really writes its own jokes, sometimes. That's right, I photoshopped a picture of an accordion wearing a beret - I would have thrown a loaf of French bread in there but that would have been too many French clichés, even for me.

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
--Samuel Clemens 'Mark Twain',

19th century American humorist and author

Here we see that mockery of the American legislative system and the crazy kooks in the Capitol is not limited to our own century. Twain has lots of good comedy and interesting anecdotes, unfortunately they're usually not at a quotable length. His essay The Awful German Language seemed to be a favorite of one of my German professors (who excerpted it at two seperate awards ceremonies).

"Perfection is attained not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."
--Antoine de Saint-Exupery,
20th century French aviator and author

Some might remember this quote from when you discover Engineering in Civilization IV (and Leonard Nimoy reads it awesomely). It is from Saint-Exupery's memoir Terre des Hommes (literally Land of Men; published as Wind, Sand and Stars in English) of when he flew mail routes in South America and the Sahara, published in 1939. I don't know French, so I can't give you a fancy context, unfortunately. We do know he's an awesome Frenchman though, since the crux of his book deals with a plane crash in the Sahara in 1934 and him wandering to civilization with his navigator.

"Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel."
--Samuel Johnson,
18th century English author

This is often misinterpreted to mean that anyone who believes in patriotism is a scoundrel. Taken in the context of Johnson's contemporary biographer (and friend) James Boswell's words, Johnson was referring to false patriotism - those who would hide their misdeeds behind a veil of ingenuine patriotism. Considering he was an Englishman and that whole 'American revolution' thing was going on, it has been suggested that he was referring to Edmund Burke.

Now, why the post of quotes? So you can avoid being berated by people who insist that using quotes isn't the perogative of intelligent people...by using quotes themselves.

"Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them."
--Samuel Palmer,
19th century painter and writer

Strangely enough, this is the only unsourced quote in my list. No one is sure if this quote exists, because Palmer's son, Alfred, burned a bunch of his father's papers so that they wouldn't fall under the public's watchful eye (despite the fact that almost no one knew who his father was when he did it). History will show Alfred was a douche.

"A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought."
--Dorothy L. Sayers (Lord Peter Wimsey in "Gaudy Night").
20th century British author

But this one is also cheating, because it's said by the author through a character in a work of fiction.

Now I'm all quoted out.

In 10,000 Years Skulls Could Be Rainbows

I know what you're thinking: "The Cold War had the constant threat of nuclear annihilation, but what do I get?" The US Department of Energy has just the thing for you. 

The Waste Isolation Pilot Plant (WIPP) is a transuranic nuclear waste disposal facility. It sits in the middle of the Chihuahuan Desert (because if Chihuahuas are hit with a freight load of radiation maybe they'll grow bigger and be less annoying) near Carlsbad, New Mexico. They've been piling nuclear waste into it since 1999, and they'll be doing it for quite a few more years. They put it there because (it's easier than repudiating the START treaties so we can reprocess the waste) the location is remote, the geology is sound, and New Mexico is trying to catch up with New Jersey for 'Waste Capital of the World'.

The main storage facility lies half a mile below the surface of the Earth, nestled in the Salado and Castile salt domes of the Delaware basin (nevermind that the Delaware basin is not located in Delaware). Here, the unique geologic strata will ensure the facility will remain sealed well into the foreseeable future. The salt (contrary to our usual interactions with salt and other minerals) is relatively fluid and will be able to effectively seal any cracks which may develop in the shell of the subterranean structure. The salt formations indicate aridity on a geologic timescale - which is important, because nuclear waste in your groundwater will probably make it taste like Bellevue tap water. The rock salt also provides radiation shielding at nearly the same rate as concrete. Due to the heat from constant radiation the waste containers will be prone to condensation, and so the air will be ciriculated to maintain the integrity of the radioactive casks. The access and ventilation shafts sit in a 4 mile by 4 mile plot of land recessed from casual human intrusion.

The interesting part is that the EPA has assigned the WIPP a regulatory period of 10,000 years - the half-life of most of the waste inside (that doesn't mean it'll be safe in 10,000 years, just half as dangerous, really). This means that the EPA feels it has a moral responsibility to assure safety for future generations and warn them against intrusion into the structure (lest they become Fallout-esque mutants). So how do you warn people 10,000 years in the future that "digging here may be a bad idea, yo"?

10,000 years is a long time. 10,000 years ago humans had barely discovered agriculture. We've had alphabets for less than 3,000 years. We've known about radiation only since the 1800s. If you were trying to convey a message to people unimaginably far into the future, how would you do it?

Languages evolve quickly - words are invented and discarded constantly. Colors and symbols are culture specific, and their meanings can change on a whim (swastikas, rainbows, skull and crossbones - symbology has evolved for each). Even the relatively famous and common nuclear trefoil has met with some symbolism migration recently. So the WIPP hired a consortium of linguists, scientists, anthropologists, futurists, and science fiction authors to determine the best way to say, "don't dig here if you don't want a face full of radiation."

What did they decide? Two rings of equally spaced, 25-foot high monoliths etched in 7 languages (the six languages of the United Nations and the local language - Navajo) with Edvard Munch's "The Scream" face and some symbols (like ...Dr. Evil's head, for some reason); a collection of bunkers which repeat and expand on the information; and a berm (soil wall) showcasing the facility's underground footprint (including underground radar reflectors and magnets). In addition a set of documents will be sent to archives and libraries internationally. The plan is to use sturdy materials resistant to corrosion with redundant backups, constructed so they cannot be salvaged or easily removed. The finalized plan (with material types, quanity and placement) is expected to be complete in 2028.

How will we know if it works? Look for the three-headed man in the year 12029.

The Dinosaurs are Dead

I'm no literary afficianado. My time spent with reading is usually limited to my course-related historical non-fiction or (admittedly less exciting) textbooks, but I'll tell you that Michael Crichton - from Andromeda Strain to Jurassic Park, from Timeline to Prey - was my favorite author. I say "was", because unfortunately Crichton passed away due to cancer on November 4th (maybe you missed it due to that whole "electing a new President"-thing). 

A Chicago native, he majored in anthropology at Harvard and eventually wrote novels while studying at Harvard Medical. Originally he had planned on majoring in English literature, but an exchange with one of his professors changed his mind. Suspecting the professor of intentionally handing him poor grades, he plagiarized a paper by George Orwell (informing another professor beforehand). He got a B-. His first major successful novel, Andromeda Strain, was published under a psuedonym while he was still at Med School, but soon his attention would be turned towards using his new found medical terminology and academic education to create 'techno-thrillers' and 'near future science fiction' (as well as non-fiction like Travels and Five Patients and the TV show ER).

 

Now, my enjoyment of Crichton began in 4th grade SSR periods (That's Silent Sustained Reading, not that it usually followed any of those three criteria). Maybe it was my love of dinosaurs, maybe it was the inclusion of complex scientific theories (or maybe it was the copious amounts of swear words), but I loved that book. I can tell you right now that if Ray Bradbury's bibliocaustic society ever manifests itself, I'll be the first one running off into the woods and staking a claim on Jurassic Park (I'm already half way there: "The sign said ELECTRIFIED FENCE 10,000 VOLTS DO NOT TOUCH, but Nedry opened it with his bare hand...").

Despite the years of R.L. Stine and the Boxcar Children, Sideways Storys from Wayside School and Choose Your Own Adventure novels, I always came back to Jurassic Park. Even when it was tattered and torn, kicked down the halls of middle school, and missing the ending I still kept it. It's been retired now - sitting in my desk at home, its position filled by a double that cost $0.25 at the Salvation Army. Accompanied by a version of the book in German.

Appendicitis is no treat, but it's much better with Timeline and Sphere to entertain you. And weekends without video games were just that bit easier when you could borrow Andromeda Strain and Congo from the Door County Public Library. He may not be known for his sweeping literary themes and timeless masterpieces, but I can guarantee you no one's building a dinosaur themepark in the future without some careful considerations.

requiescat in pace